Xia Mo: when you read this letter, I will already be on my flight to France. I can’t tell you that I’m leaving, I can only write this letter. There are a lot of things I wish I could tell you, yet when I raise my pen, I’m not sure where to begin…. recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about our past…
I remember the first time I met you was midsummer. Little you was wearing a flowy white dress. You ran out from the tree-lined boulevard to block my car, arms open wide. It was as if heaven had bestowed a gift upon me, for you were as beautiful and lovely as a fairy-tale angel.
Maybe hearing it is a little funny and absurd, but the fourteen-year-old me immediately fell in love with the eleven-year-old you. If I could, I wanted to hide you tightly in the palm of my hand and not let anyone see you or know you, not even Xiao Cheng.
Gradually, you grew up, becoming more and more lovely, more and more like a diamond in your dazzling brilliance. I began to worry, afraid that someone would see you and discover you and take you away from my side.
But that person finally appeared.
You had an unusual affection for that boy called Luo Xi. You would get angry because of him, space out because of him, beg me because of him… smile because of him. And so, jealousy gnawed at my heart. I wanted to drive him away and not allow him to remain by your side for a single minute. That night under the cherry tree… you were right. Our tragedy happened because of me. It was my overbearing possessiveness that destroyed the happiness held in our hands.
Five years later, we met again. The car-accident had taken away my memories, and I no longer remembered you, yet, mesmerized by you once more, I fell in love.
This time… I still committed the same mistakes.
My strong possessive instinct hadn’t lessened at all, instead, it had become more terrifying: blacklisting Luo Xi, purposely making him misunderstand our relationship, using Xiao Cheng and his kidney transplant surgery to force you to marry me though I clearly knew who you loved…
When Xiao Cheng criticized me for the despicable way I used my kidney to threaten you… when you fell into a feverish coma on the hospital bed… I had once wavered in my conviction, wanting to give you back your freedom. But when you became healthy again, I saw your warm smile, the way the three of us lived as a family, and once more… I hesitated. I couldn’t bear to leave, no matter how selfish I was being, I still wanted to be with you forever and always.
Nevertheless, I’ve still made a mistake.
When Xiao Cheng passed away… if Luo Xi had been the one by your side, if the one you loved had guarded over you, if I had given you up long ago, maybe you wouldn’t have despaired to the brink of collapse. If the one you love is by your side… for him, you would live happily.
In the end, even for someone like me, God gave his blessing. Our flesh and blood started to grow within you, and this made you pull yourself together, leaving me to struggle once again with myself.
I know how much family means to you. For the baby, you would fight to protect this family and would forever remain by my side. You would work hard to forget about the shadow of that person in your heart. I would disregard everything to be by your side, watching our baby grow up over the years, protecting both of you, holding you both tightly by my side.
And yet… is this just another mistake?
It shouldn’t be enough for you just to have the baby in your life. Being with the person you love, spending the rest of your life with him… that’s what true happiness should be.
In the past, as long as you were by my side, seeing you were my greatest comfort and happiness. For this, I would go to any length. But now, I want to see you live happily, like the person in Xiao Cheng’s paintings, with a joyful smile on your face, spreading from your lips to the corners of your eyes.
And so… I’m leaving.
Even though I won’t physically be by you and the baby, I will do my best to love and protect you both. I am the baby’s father, no matter what decision you make, you and the baby will always be the most cherished people in my life…